*Hic*. I'm on the vodka so appologies in advance for shit spellings. My Opera / Ebay logging in problems are not restricted to Ebay it seems, but the whole of the net. Means I have to use IE to do anything involving forms other than on B3ta. Grr. According to the spreadsheet I've kept of all the money I've spent this year, excluding direct debits, my outgoings have totalled £2,774.83. Eeep. Nothing to do this evening, so it's me on my own with vodka and lemonade. I don't even have any bagels to keep me company, I ate them all this afternoon. Bah. 19:54  

I can't sleep again. Whether it's due to my body trying to adopt a nocturnal pattern, or due to having eaten 100g of dark chocolate, 80g of which was eaten around midnight, and thus I'm still on a sugar rush, I'm not sure. The most likely answer is a combination of these. And laying awake, writing my blog in my head doesn't help speed sleep along much. I fear making that making the transition back into a more socially accepted sleeping arrangement when the holidays end this weekend will be lengthy and awkward, I can see me battling with my inner clock which refuses to be reprogrammed, and thus I'll turn up for all my classes with only a minimal amount of sleep and spend all weekends curled up in a warm, hibernating ball in bed, but then why break the habit of a lifetime?

I found myself accidentally speaking to a Pop Star a day or two ago. I was on SoulSeek as usual and received a message from someone thanking me for letting them download a certain track from me. The person said that he actually wrote the track himself, a song by Thee Moths, it was just he was too lazy to go upstairs to get the CD to rip! We ended up having a bit of a conversation and I think I might have persuaded him to come play some gigs in Leeds.

Ed rang me a couple of hours ago. He was drunk and at a friend's house. He's managed to get half of his hair dreaded, but the person who was meant to be completing it has apparently disappeared off on holiday with her boyfriend for a couple of days. Handy. He said that despite it only being half-finished he has already started thinking more favourably of himself, looking in the mirror and thinking "I'm actually not all that ugly," or words to that effect. I found the exact same thing when I first dreaded my hair. Perhaps it's a universal phenomenon. Did you use to suffer from self hatred and a lack of self confidence? Did you get your hair dreadlocked and then start to like yourself? Write and tell me today! You can see an afternoon chat show being written about it already, can't you?

I listened to Hey Petrunko today for what must only be the third time or so. Why I've overlooked it I don't know because it's truly wonderful. It may not be as boppy and bouncy as The Magic Treehouse was, but that's by no means a loss. They still have the ability to affect me as much as they ever did and I'm just glad I rediscovered this before ... before what? It's already too late, the band split up last year. I'm not quite sure before what, then, but before something anyway.

Hmm, am I rambling?

There hasn't been much other exciting stuff happening. I added some more pictures to my bedroom walls which made me feel better - it made me feel better about myself (these things are pretty therefore I am good because I can create pretty things) and made me accept my house more. Part of me feels that this move was wrong, that my previous house was right for me and this house will only cause me problems, but now I've personalised it a bit more I'm starting to be won over. Which is good, because I think my dad would probably disown me if I told him I wanted to move again. Er, I've been trying to read a bit more, and am slowly working my way through the pile of magazines I have to read. When I've finished them I'll start on the books again. Rory suggested I study Richard Kern for my coursework (careful with that website, it's definitely not safe for work or college) and I think he might be onto something there. Mr Kern certainly does seem to be producing rather unique and thought-provoking work. Rory's mailed me his copy of Model Release for perusal, I'll let you know about my decision.

That's about all I can think of for now, so I'll head back off to bed and try for some sleep again. Night night. 03:51  

This is just a test post to see if I can get my new comments system working. 22:06  

I should Blog properly. I know this. But I'm very cold and my computer is conspiring against me. Opera refuses to log me into Ebay, Firebird refuses to import my bookmarks list from Opera, my computer occassionally stops and won't do anything for 5 seconds or so, I have approximately 300MB spare on my second hard drive due to downloading so much music, and other little things. It sounds like it's time for a reformat. Or dad's meant to be giving me a spare 65gig HDD he has which Rory thinks I should install Linux on. I don't care, I just want my computer to work, damnit. 23:27  

I can't sleep. I don't remember having eaten anything containing caffine so either it's due to having eaten so much that my body's using up all its energy trying to digest it all or it's just one of those things. Hmm, or it could be that I got up at half past 12, did nothing physically tiring, and slept for 2 or 3 hours this evening. Actually, that one seems quite likely.

I've been sharing this regained time between meditating on how fat, bloated and obese I feel, and trying desperately to think of a topic to write my Photography coursework essay on. The brief notes we were given about it say:

"Firstly you will need to choose an area within the scope of your subject (i.e. Photography) that is of interest to you, then formulate a question for yourself to answer. Think about dsciplines, practitioners, genres, periods or techniques. Begin the essay by using biographical and historical information, then going on to explain the nature of your question. The essay will entail you looking at a variety of artefacts and being able to interpret them along with their intended and perceived meanings. All of these processes will enable you to write a conclusion that attempts to answer your initial question. The investigation will include at least 1500 of your own words, illustrations from outside sources, and practical work of your own that explores the relevant themes and problems. The method of presentation is entirely up to you, but must include a bibliography and source references."

And as is usual with me, I have no idea what to write about. However something must be found. This essay is worth 30% of my final mark, and although I'm not studying the course to achieve a qualification, that's still an important factor. To try and discover some inspiration I decided to look through Century, one of my photography books. It chronicles the twentieth century, mostly through the format of photojournalism. On the whole tonight's browsing found it bloody, murderous, depressing, humbling, scary, shaming and terrifying. The lengths that people will go to in an attempt to get rid of those who disagree with them is truly horrific. It made me very, very thankful that I live in a (relatively) ecconomically and socially stable country which allows freedom of speech and many other liberties which are taken for granted but are restricted in other areas of the world. It made me glad I do not have to kill other humans to get food and water, or to kill others in self-defence. I'm grateful I have enough food to eat to be able to feel bloated, more than enough clothing, a home which fulfills my needs far more than is necessary, a government which doesn't wish to kill me, neighbours who don't wish to kill me, and many other luxuries which millions of people are without - computers, CD players, washing machines, medication, electricity...

I could go into a rant here about peace and co-operation, how we should all, as humans, share our gifts and discoveries, instead of hide them from one another and cause suffering and resentment, just because others have the gall to do things differently. But eloquence isn't quite my strongest feature and it's been said better elsewhere. It just leaves me wondering though how I can do my best to bring about peace, happiness and unity between the people I interact with, as I don't have a global influence, and any good work is better than none. And also, what the hell am I going to write for my coursework? 05:13  

I feel ill. I've just eaten my way through a whole packet of Marks and Spencers' apple and cinnamon cornflakes. They were lovely but by the end of the third bowl I was sick of the sight of them. I decided it was better to eat them all today than have their influence spread over two days, thus making me feel bad for twice as long, but in retrospect I find I was wrong. As usual.

Yesrerday was reasonably managable. No huge arguements, luckily. Yet again I ate far more than I should have, even when allowing for the fact it was Christmas Day. Presents included: a hole punch; a jar of garlic mayonaise; a bottle of raspberry vodka; a memory card for my digital camera; 8 films for my SLR camera; fuzzy felt; a photo album; a book of rude origami; Vegan Cooking For One; a table to put my record player on; Zephyrs CD; Esmerine CD; Relict CD; Nina Nastasia CD; Kills CD; Guild League CD; Movietone CD; Stellastarr CD; 300g of chocolate; flourescent Post It notes; portable CD player; mini notebook and other little things like that.

Urgh. Too much cereal. 20:52  

My family astonish me. My mum was watching some crappy programme about the bloody *spit* Beckhams earlier, and she said she enjoys reading the magazine published with the Mail on Sunday. How I managed to become the person I am with people like her around is beyond me. 23:27  

I'm at my parents'. I want to kill myself / them / anyone. I can't escape either, no way of getting home. I can see myself needing to go see Tamsin rather early tomorrow. The worst thing is that I'm actually quite surprised by this. Why I thought that things might turn out OK is beyond me now. Still, on the plus side, I have cornflakes with cinnamon on them from Marks and Spencers. 19:06  

Well the gig was a relative success. There was far more people present than I expected and Ed and I hid ourselves at the back of the room, away from as many people as we could, and cradled our drinks. Incidentally, when we arrived at the pub and went up to the bar, before I'd even asked for anything the barman (if you can call a scruffy, dreadlocked twenty-something a barman) asked me for ID! I'm 22! "But I only wanted a lemonade!" I said. I felt very offended, especially as Ed was served with no hassle and he's only 18 1/2. Anyway, the bands. D Millard was up first, who was a bloke with a keyboard and a badly tuned guitar. The music was a bit dull but the lyrics made up for it, espcially those for "Swearing", a song about how ace swearing is, funnily enough. He left the stage and was shortly followed by the wonderous Seven Inches. I had forgotton how fantastic they are but I was reminded, despite not being able to see them as everyone in front of us was standing up and we were, as previously mentioned, crouched at the back. If they aren't huge sometime soon then there is many things wrong with the world which need to be righted. Not as if we didn't know that already, but you don't fuss. When the Seven Inches left so did most of the crowd, which was unfortunate as Hello How Are You? were also well worth seeing. I don't think that any of their songs lasted longer than a minute and their energy rivaled that of the Inches themselves.

We came home and went to bed early as Monday was promising to be a tiring day. It started with great news as I received an e-mail from Harriet, who is currently in Costa Rica and planning on spending Christmas on the beach with a large glass of rum. Not that I'm jealous of course, I can't stand rum. Ed and I went into rainy Leeds, scrambled though the shopping throngs and just about made it in one piece to the SHIP Christmas party. There was Pass The Parcel, shit music, an impromtu drum circle and large amounts of crisps. We both enjoyed ourselves though wished we hadn't eaten quite so many crisps as it felt like our mouths were about to bleed from all the flavourings. We had been planning on going to the cinema in Bradford but we were having too much fun and decided to stay on longer. We ended up arriving home at about half past 6 and after meandering around feeling lost for a while we decided to play a game of chess. It was later realised that perhaps this wasn't the best game we could have chosen, as neither of us are good at making decisions. We abandoned the game after three hours and with most of my pieces taken. What we need is a decision making machine. Perhaps it could be combined into the hugging machine we also need to invent?

I have vague memories of being woken at 10am this morning by some telemarketer who claimed she was trying to save me money on my mobile phone bill. I registered with the Telephone Preference Service last month so I know I'm not meant to be receiving such calls. In my bleary state I think I tried to hassle her about why she was ringing me, what she wanted and what her company would do with my information, but I can't be entirely sure because one of the dreams I had included talking to the telemarketer and blended in seafront promenades, bicycles and haberdashers as well. It also included Andy too, which is rather worrying. See, there are two types of people I'm attracted to - those I find immediately pretty, and those I don't fancy but have come to know over a period of time and whose personality I like. Andy falls into this second category. However we are not destined for each other in any way - he's more than twice my age, he's essentially my supervisor at SHIP and he's also very gay. Mentioning that I'm attracted to him would be very embarassing for both of us I feel, especially as there would be no great outcome from it. So I'll let it stay there, festering inside me, until I either grab him and strip him naked one day by the stationary cupboard, or, more likely, it goes away and I forget about it. It's just that I don't think dreaming about him is a good sign.

Talking of attractive individuals, Ed went home today. We both fancy each other, we both know this, but we're both too shy and introverted to do anything about it. Had we had more time together no doubt I would have spent some time with him and more than one glass of vodka, which would have made everything very different, but as it was I spent the time sober and we got no further than hugging and skin stroking. Which was lovely, don't get me wrong, but naked hugging is so much nicer. I think it was a successful trip nonetheless, I've introduced him to the wonder of bagels, and to the heavenly delight which is Maya Gold. He also tasted the Leeds DIY music scene, developed a love of bongos and learnt that me tugging on his arm often means we're in the vicinity of pretty people. Let's hope he'll be coming back.

Spent a long time surfing this evening, possibly to soften the blow of the loss of my hugs. Discovered a great article about how to find decent S&M porn videos. At one point the author was explaining that the actors in these films were your usual porn star cast with "creepily obvious boobjobs, talon-like fingernails and 'perfect' bodies" and called such things "the actresses’ self-inflicted physical abnormalities". This made me think. Is plastic surgery another form of body modification equal to tattooing, piercing and the like? Obviously the stereotypical person who would participate in such modification is extremely different from the stereotypical person who likes more traditional forms of body modification, but on a platonic level are both not done with a similar aim in mind - to change your physical appearance beyond what chance and nature have given you, and thus also to alter people's perceptions of you? Of course there are many more complex reasons for either kind of modification - increased confidence, wishing to be "different" and wanting to fit in more with certain people being just some of them. However I won't be writing to BME and suggesting they include a "breast enlargement", "liposuction" or "botox" category just yet. 22:07  

Ed arrived here ok, if a little late due to the trains, and we spent the evening sleeping and eating potato wedges. Not in that order. Today we decided to try going into town, which in retrospect, it being the last weekend before Christmas and all, was not the best of ideas. There were a few crowds, shall we say, and be both got rather stressed. I did however ring my dad and talk him into buying me an exciting coat rack in the style of a caterpillar. After scoffing bagels we decided it was time to come home, but as we were getting off the bus, the person in front of us looked exactly like she should look like. We got off, I waited and looked back, she turned round, it was her. My anxiety went through the roof and it took me about half an hour and two phone calls to Rory to calm down. I'm ok now though, which is good. The anxiety might rise again later though as Ed and I are planning on going to a local pub to see some bands play. We'll see how we go, see if we survive or not. We've got a pizza to get through first! 18:28  

I've just realised that most of what I just posted was a repeat from Friday. I really need to find more exciting things to do with myself. 16:47  

My friend Ed from Cardiff is arriving soon. He's staying until Tuesday and my nerves are playing up. I've met him before so there's not much in the way of the unexpected looming up, I just get nervous before anything which I don't do at least once a week - going to the doctors, going to the pub, anything like that. We were meant to be going for a pizza tonight, but I don't think I'm up to it. I got depressed again yesterday after eating and I think something as extravagant as a pizza is far too expectational. We'll see though, I do want one so I could be easily persuaded into it.

Yesterday was mostly boring. A trip to the dentists for a check-up (all fine as usual), a trip to Tescos (incredibly expensive), and a short trip to Bradford city centre (grim, dirty, wet and depressing). Let's hope that Ed's stay will be a bit more invigorating and stimulating (no, not like that!) (oh, ok, like that). 16:25  

I've spent most of the last two days feeling particularly depressed. Yesterday was the worst I've felt in a very long time, probably since I was at the Witness festival in the summer. There hadn't been any indicator this would come, in fact I spent Tuesday feeling rather good. I guess the conclusion is that my moods just aren't predictable and if I plan on doing something I should keep in mind I may not actually be able to carry it through. In the past I got around this by just not plannng anything of any significance, but since I've been more stable and thus attempting to participate in more demanding and regular activities, such as college and group facilitation, it's not something I had accounted for. I'll wait and see if these two days were a one-off, or if they're a sign of worse times ahead before I go and quit everything I had planned though.

I'm off to the dentists shortly for a check-up. Nothing to worry about except that my dad's taking me there and then we're going to Tescos afterwards to try and find me some food for Christmas Day. My biggest concern yesterday was my weight and size and I'm worried that going into a large supermarket and having to choose things to eat, and probably buy things for myself which I can't get from my usual shops, will trigger the depression again. Having such a fit in a supermarket is bad enough, but one in a different city from which I live in, and when accompanied by my dad, who, despite repeated attempts, can not seem to understand my illnesses, is just a nightmare situation. I guess my only hope is to breathe deeply, take things slowly, and to try and smile despite it all. (Dad has previously threatened to abandon me at the roadside if I didn't start smiling. And they wonder why I'm screwed up.)

Other exciting things happening soon include Ed from Cardiff coming to stay with me tomorrow until Tuesday. We're planning on going to the SHIP Christmas Party on Monday and going to see the Seven Inches and other bands play at a pub down the road on Sunday night. We're also going to try and go see Decasia and I'd like to fit in a trip to Willbur Wants To Kill Himself too. But of course this all depends on both of our heads behaving and enabling us to do this. If they don't at least we'll both have hugs, I guess. 11:09  

I'm in college, using their awful Macs. I hate having to use them. What is the point of a mouse with only one button?! Plus all my keyboard shortcuts won't work. Anyway I'm meant to be doing some research for my coursework essay, but I have no idea where to start. So instead I'm messing around on the internet. Someone else in my class is doing something about self-photography, particularly using mirrors. I sent her to the Mirror Project and to go look up Natacha Merritt. Perhaps I should have mentioned that Ms Merritt doesn't usually wear many clothes in her photographs. Oops. Oh well, at least the results will be interesting. 09:37  

Went into town with my family today. We spent a long time in the Marks and Spencer food hall and I was very grateful for being vegan. Had I not been, my minute willpower would have been squashed by my desire for their delicious cakes, breads, desserts, pies, gateaux, doughnuts and plenty of other fine foods, and inevitably the lot would have been snatched, purchased and gobbled, leaving me a fat, lumpy and depressive wreck for at least a week or two. It may not be the most common reason for turning vegan, but it's a very effective technique. 22:57  

I love Amazon. Stumbled across by accident, I now believe I can not live fully until I obtain a copy of Walter, the Farting Dog. 22:43  

I've had a good weekend. Stuart, my friend from Glasgow, came down to see me for a day or two, and he's only just gone back. The weekend wasn't too exciting but we did go to Bradford yesterday afternoon. I bought a lovely new skirt in CBGB's (photos later) and we went to the cinema to see The Mother. I really enjoyed the film, but then I enjoy most things by Hanif Kureishi. I found it erotic and funny and inspiring and would definately recommend it.

Earlier today I was in Borders, looking through the CDs. They had so many which I wanted, it was hard not think "fuck it" and go buy them all. I'm glad I managed to resist though, I've spent far too much money recently as it is. 15:35  

I was checking the items I'm currently watching on Ebay and was horrified to find out that Berk was outbidding me for this friendly pet log. I went and shouted at him, told him to leave my log alone, only for him to say he was buying it for me for Christmas.

Oops. 20:36  

Yet another test post = )
Tonight I'm going to SHIP, I co-facilitate Reach Out. Afterwards we may go to the Queer Night which is being held at A-Spire, depending on how tired we are. I hope we go, it's somewhere I've wanted to go ever since I heard about them. 16:32  

more testing 16:19  

a second test thingumy 15:43  

first post test thing 15:31  

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