Suppose I should really blog what's been happening this past week. There's quite a lot which is why I haven't got around to it yet. And I'm lazy. That contributes quite a bit, actually. Saturday was the
Four Planes gig at Brudenell Social. They were on as part of an all day gig thing. David had said they should be on sometime "after 6" so I decided to head down around 5 in case they were on early, and even if they weren't I'd be able to sit around and chat with them. When I got there, there was a schedule by the door, they were meant to be on at quarter to ten. Quite some time to wait. I got myself a vodka and then wandered around looking for people I knew. I couldn't see anyone. I messaged David asking him what was happening and he said he was ill in bed and wasn't coming. "Thanks for letting me know," I thought. He said he wasn't sure if the rest of the band were playing without him or not. I sat there considering my options when I spotted their guitarist, James. I went over to him, he said they were playing and he didn't mind if I just hung around near him all evening. So that's what I did. It was rather busy, and the music was very loud, but I just sat at the back with James and some people he introduced me to. I even managed to have a conversation with one of them! I think he's in
Deerpark, but I might have misheard. I had a chat with James too, and later with Gid (the drummer) and one of Gid's workmates. Someone from when I was in college the second time (the Bad time), Lucy, was there. I'm not entirely sure if she recognised me or not as my hair's quite different now, but we ignored each other all evening so nothing terrible came of it. I've seen her wandering around before. I hope it's the last time, she represents a past I'm trying to forget. So despite Lucy I think I did really well on Saturday. I managed to stay at the gig on my own, to talk to 4 people, two of whom I hadn't met before, and to cope with all the people there. Definitely a sign of good things.
On Sunday I dragged my parents to
Ikea. It was heaving. There was screaming brats, ignorant parents and tottering old people pouring from every seam. Yet somehow despite that I managed to remain mostly calm and not kill anyone. This is something most "normal" people can't manage, let alone those with phobias of crowds! We were there for three hours and in that time I bought two tables and got my parents to buy me
a sofabed. Quite successful, really.
Monday was my photography lesson. We spent the first part of the morning learning about studio flash then I went out to finish the reel of film still in my camera. In the afternoon I developed them, and it only took me 15 minutes to get the two films onto the spirals! It's taken me 45 minutes to do one before. The pictures were mostly OK, but as I suspected, the first film was fogged in places due to issues removing it from the camera. There were no shots lost which can't be retaken though so all was fine. In the evening I went to SHIP as it was the first meeting of the support group which will be running alongside the confidence building course. Fiona (MIND manager / service user) and I are co-facilitating it, and there's talk of Pauline, who used to facilitate the old women's group, joining us too. It was a good session and we've agreed to keep it closed until the new year, when we'll open it to any women who want to join.
My visual studies classes are on Tuesdays and this week we were learning about pastels. (Unfortunately not
the band, but the artistic medium.) As with previous such lessons, we had to learn about the tools and what they can do. I managed something vaguely coherent for about half an hour then started scrawling as I'd run out of ideas. Soon I started to feel depressed at my inability to create something of worth and I wanted a hug quite desperately. As a compromise I drew a bear needing a hug and labeled him "Hug Bear". The teacher said it was "very humourous", I was pretty depressed by this point, in the same headspace where I spent most of my later school days. At lunchtime I rang Rory but he didn't have anything feasible to offer me. By the time the class was due to start again I had decided I had to go home and I left after making my apologies. I caught the bus home, got harassed by the bus driver for reasons too petty to explain, and went straight to bed. Four hours later Simon woke me up by banging on my door. He stayed for an hour and gave me some hugs then left. I started thinking about leaving my course. If most of my days were going to be similar to how this one had been, I would end up extremely depressed again, and I'm not prepared to sacrifice my newly won mental health for anything. I have a tutorial coming up with one of the teachers tomorrow, so I decided to discuss it with him then and refrain from making any firm decisions just yet.
Wednesday started out alright. I didn't have to be in college until 11, and then only for an hour. Afterwards I went to photography and loaned a camera so I can replace the photos which didn't come out on Monday. I was meant to be going to see my psychiatrist at 2, so it gave me an hour and a half to get some shots and be in time for my appointment. I was taking a picture of foreign newspapers outside a news kiosk when the man inside called to me. I went over to see what he wanted and he started arguing at me, saying I had violated his religion (Islam) by taking his picture and he wanted me to give him my film. There was no way I'd do that as I had to pay for it myself and I couldn't afford another. Plus it was the first photo! I told him I wouldn't so he said he'd call the police and how it's illegal to take pictures in people's shops. I pointed out I was outside the shop and had photographed items outside of the shop, and that he wasn't even in the picture. He wouldn't believe me and kept going on about what had happened, or what he thought had happened. It really threw me as I was feeling somewhat... tender, due to the crap time I'd had the day before. I managed to leave after about five minutes and I went to SHIP in the hope of finding someone to comfort me. I sat in the office and soon the tears started and they wouldn't stop. I went off to lay down in one of the small rooms so I could be alone and not get in their way. It was soon obvious I wouldn't be able to make it to see my psychiatrist, so I rang to cancel the appointment then went back to cry some more. After an hour and a half or so I felt stable enough to consider leaving and going home. I talked to Andy for a short while whilst he was taking a break from facilitating the daytime confidence building course. Eamon gave me a hug and Tony smiled at me and told me to look after myself. All in all it made me feel very welcomed and wanted and it's something I've never really felt anywhere else before. I came home but went out again to my own confidence building class, as usually I feel good after the session and I knew that would help. We did an exercise around how we view our bodies and came to conclusion that it was "not very nicely." Then we looked at things we take pleasure from and how long it's been since we last did them. Most of mine have been done recently, but there's always room for improvement.
Today I was unsure about how the day would turn out. I didn't want a repeat of Tuesday and didn't know how to avoid one. We were working on our illustration project and one of tutors came round to look at what we were all doing. I complained to him about my lack of artistic talent but he reassured me and said that it was just my style and he liked it. That boosted me a little and I ended up producing a couple of drawings which I didn't immediately despise. I'm even quite proud of one of the owls, though I did trace a clip art style one first then work around that. There may be hope for me yet.
And on a completely different note,
sheepish is a funky website.
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