I'm feeling very abandoned, I can't ring Rory when I want to, and I tried to ring him earlier but there was no reply. Nor has he replied to my text message. I'm not pestering him, I only wanted to know if he was planning on ringing me this evening. I don't particularly enjoy talking to him much right now. Whenever I do, I always end up in tears. I can feel them welling now, just thinking about it. And there's still 2 days to go before he leaves for home. I want to hold him and cuddle him, to know that he hasn't forgotten about me or wishes I'd leave him alone. I know logically this isn't true, but I can't feel it. Oh dear, here come the tears.
There's no one else online to talk to either. Most of my internet friends have gone to London for a meet-up, so not only can I not talk to them or distract myself with them, they're having fun and I'm not included, just as Rory is. It all sounds very childish when I write it, but it still hurts. I can't spend time with Simon either as he's going to London for some stupid convention with
her and friends next week so he's busy with preparations and costume-making. Yet another reminder of how everyone else seems to have friends except me. (You're welcome to close the browser window any time the self pitying becomes too much for you.)
I thought about reading. I've been reading with fresh zeal recently, but I felt too run down to attempt any of the books on my shelves. I did pick up
The Art of Looking Sideways earlier, which I felt was a suitable publication as it has no plot to follow or characters to keep track of, it comes in small, digestible chunks and is a visual delight. However all the different text styles confused me and I was irritated by having to turn the book to read the pieces of sideways text. As the pages don't flow either, there's little connection between one page and the one overleaf, I found it hard to stay focused. So eventually I gave up.
The one thing I do have for entertainment this weekend is that Andy from SHIP and I have arranged to go book hunting in Hyde Park tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure how the day will span out, we could just end up sat in the park, but at least it's something. I can see this is going to be a very difficult weekend to get through.
There's something else bothering me though. A fear, a premonition almost. Currently there's nothing I want more than to be cuddling with Rory in bed, probably because this would mean he would be here with me and thus wouldn't be gallivanting around southern England. But the thought of touching him when he's been where he's been repulses me. It's something I experienced with Simon when he started seeing
her. I couldn't bear to touch him knowing that he'd been with
her. I can sense I might develop it with Rory too. We don't need more things to drive us apart, and I need all the emotional experiences I can get.
21:34
