Tuesday, May 18
A lot has happened since my last decent update. Sunday, Simon and I went for a walk in the park. I saw one of the women there who I had been sat next to during most of my willow basket making, she had been making a dream catcher. She had it with her on Sunday, and had done lots more to it than when I left on Saturday, so I felt brave and went up to her, told her I was impressed with how it was progressing. We ended up talking for a while, about what we were doing in general, about how we both wanted to do other arty, crafty things as we had done on Saturday. I said how I had very few people I could do such things with, and how I feel shy and embarrassed when doing them alone, so she said she'd happily come along and do things with me. We swapped names and phone numbers, she's called Jenny. She also invited me to a free beginner's meditation class which was starting the following evening opposite the university.
I spent a long time debating about whether or not I should go along to the class. I knew I should go, I know that meditation is something which will probably help me, which I've been wanting to do, that it was a chance of making a new friend or maybe even friends, that it would be good for my confidence, that it would show me taking control, and many other useful things. In the end, I decided I should go as, aside from all the reasons above, if I wanted to be friends with Jenny, it would be less likely I'd be invited to other events, and less likely for me to accept any other invitations, if I turned down the first one.
First of all, I had Monday day time to get through though. In the morning, I grouted my mosaic. I used white around the inner, mirrored section, and black around the outer, coloured section. I quite enjoyed the grouting, it was fun and slightly messy, but not in a disgusting way. When it came to having to clean off the excess though, I just floundered. I didn't quite understand what I was meant to be doing and how, so I managed to spread some black grout across the white, meaning I might have turned some of it grey, which upset me, and I didn't have the energy to cope with it. Also, two of the pieces of glass had come loose from the board, which also was upsetting. The teacher was nice though and said he'd continue doing some it for me during his afternoon class, and next week, once it had set properly, I could attack the whole thing with a wire brush and not worry about mixing the grout.
In the afternoon we were presented with our false batiks again. I coloured in my octopus green, made my fish an orangey-red, and my shells orangey-yellow. It all looked so plain and boring though, so I decided to add wave effects in blue and green. After a while I realised it might have been more realistic if they'd been horizontal instead of vertical. It still needed something else though, so our tutor rummaged around in her box and found some turquoise dye. It seemed to be just what I needed, and I filled in the rest of the background with it. Once we remove all the wax, there will be large areas of white which will look very strange, but I suppose I can always add some more dye, in small quantities, to improve that. Here's what it looks like so far:
When I arrived home, I wasn't sure about going to the meditation class. I was coming up with lots of excuses for staying at home, somewhat predictably. I decided to be brave again and go though, and I'm glad I did. It was held at the Quaker hall and about 30 or 40 people turned up. Jenny and her friends arrived just before it was about to start, whereas I got there a bit earlier. Katie, the girlfriend of one of Tomsk's mates, who both come to the pub on a Wednesday occasionally, was there too, and we sat together. Later it turned out she's friends with Jenny's friends, which is quite bizarre. As for the meeting itself, it was run by an average looking, white, middle aged male, who was wearing the kind of clothes my dad wore in the 80s. He explained that he's not a meditation teacher, but he's just teaching us his techniques. He practices yoga meditation which focuses on the heart chakra. He comes from a spiritual standpoint, which I think many people present were rather skeptical of. The exercises he showed us were almost identical to the ones I already knew, but I didn't feel disappointed by this. I know about how to meditate and so on, just as I know about eating healthier, exercising and others. What I need is a kick start, to get me over the initial difficulties, and someone who can reassure me that I'm not making a fool of myself or making my situation worse, and I got that from the evening. I honestly am planning on attempting to keep up with the meditating, but am aware that I shall probably find it difficult. I'm a very routine person and it isn't part of my routine. Yet. The trick is to keep going until it is, and then I know it will become so much easier. I expect that within a month at the most it will be habit, as long as I make genuine attempts and succeed at least five times a week, as it's something which should ideally be performed daily.
After the meeting was finished, I walked home across the park with Katie, as Jenny was inside talking to the tutor still and I felt that walking home with Katie could help increase my chances of friendship with her. We talked about local cafes and restaurants and about our interest in arty, crafty activities. I explained my situation with my lack of friends and how I desperately need someone to do things with, such as go to the pub, spend an hour in the park, go to the cinema, go belly dancing etc. She said she'd be happy to do such things, so we swapped phone numbers and promised to organise some activity some time. I felt wonderful at this! Two friends in two days! I had been considering doing a spell to draw some people towards me, but I don't need to now. I just have to work on keeping these friends, which is somewhat more tricky.
Finally then, today. I went into college and for what must be only the second time since September, with the first being last week, the tutor was only five minutes late. He explained that from now until the end of the term, he and his colleagues are going to be very busy as they have all our coursework and exam work to mark, the same for the second years, and they have exhibitions to prepare, plus a ton of paperwork. Thus there's very little time, if any, left for looking after the first years. So he gave us a brief on still life to look at over the summer and told us to bugger off til September, essentially. Excellent! No more early Tuesday mornings, heh heh. Whilst I was still in college, I tried to get in touch with Admissions, as I still hadn't heard if they'd received my application forms for next year, but no one was in the office. Coincidentally, just as I was clearing out my locker, the woman who works in Student Services found me and said she just had to ask a few questions about my application. She need to know whether I was preferring to do the college diploma or the Media Studies A-level (diploma) and what kind of outside support I was getting. Once that was all done, she said she'd send me a letter confirming the receipt of the forms, and within a month I should drop by again if I hadn't had a letter inviting me for an interview for the diploma. Saves me from having to hassle Admissions about it all!
This evening I tried the meditation exercises we tried last night. My attention was wandering a little more than it was yesterday, though that may be due to my bedroom being in a noisier location than the quiet hall we were in yesterday. Other thoughts also kept wandering in, about interior decoration, of all things. I tried to keep focused though, and when I felt I was losing the battle I ended the exercise. I had been going for ten minutes, and it was advised we spend at least five minutes on it, so for a first attempt I think it was quite successful. Let's see how tomorrow's goes. 19:52
I spent a long time debating about whether or not I should go along to the class. I knew I should go, I know that meditation is something which will probably help me, which I've been wanting to do, that it was a chance of making a new friend or maybe even friends, that it would be good for my confidence, that it would show me taking control, and many other useful things. In the end, I decided I should go as, aside from all the reasons above, if I wanted to be friends with Jenny, it would be less likely I'd be invited to other events, and less likely for me to accept any other invitations, if I turned down the first one.
First of all, I had Monday day time to get through though. In the morning, I grouted my mosaic. I used white around the inner, mirrored section, and black around the outer, coloured section. I quite enjoyed the grouting, it was fun and slightly messy, but not in a disgusting way. When it came to having to clean off the excess though, I just floundered. I didn't quite understand what I was meant to be doing and how, so I managed to spread some black grout across the white, meaning I might have turned some of it grey, which upset me, and I didn't have the energy to cope with it. Also, two of the pieces of glass had come loose from the board, which also was upsetting. The teacher was nice though and said he'd continue doing some it for me during his afternoon class, and next week, once it had set properly, I could attack the whole thing with a wire brush and not worry about mixing the grout.
In the afternoon we were presented with our false batiks again. I coloured in my octopus green, made my fish an orangey-red, and my shells orangey-yellow. It all looked so plain and boring though, so I decided to add wave effects in blue and green. After a while I realised it might have been more realistic if they'd been horizontal instead of vertical. It still needed something else though, so our tutor rummaged around in her box and found some turquoise dye. It seemed to be just what I needed, and I filled in the rest of the background with it. Once we remove all the wax, there will be large areas of white which will look very strange, but I suppose I can always add some more dye, in small quantities, to improve that. Here's what it looks like so far:
When I arrived home, I wasn't sure about going to the meditation class. I was coming up with lots of excuses for staying at home, somewhat predictably. I decided to be brave again and go though, and I'm glad I did. It was held at the Quaker hall and about 30 or 40 people turned up. Jenny and her friends arrived just before it was about to start, whereas I got there a bit earlier. Katie, the girlfriend of one of Tomsk's mates, who both come to the pub on a Wednesday occasionally, was there too, and we sat together. Later it turned out she's friends with Jenny's friends, which is quite bizarre. As for the meeting itself, it was run by an average looking, white, middle aged male, who was wearing the kind of clothes my dad wore in the 80s. He explained that he's not a meditation teacher, but he's just teaching us his techniques. He practices yoga meditation which focuses on the heart chakra. He comes from a spiritual standpoint, which I think many people present were rather skeptical of. The exercises he showed us were almost identical to the ones I already knew, but I didn't feel disappointed by this. I know about how to meditate and so on, just as I know about eating healthier, exercising and others. What I need is a kick start, to get me over the initial difficulties, and someone who can reassure me that I'm not making a fool of myself or making my situation worse, and I got that from the evening. I honestly am planning on attempting to keep up with the meditating, but am aware that I shall probably find it difficult. I'm a very routine person and it isn't part of my routine. Yet. The trick is to keep going until it is, and then I know it will become so much easier. I expect that within a month at the most it will be habit, as long as I make genuine attempts and succeed at least five times a week, as it's something which should ideally be performed daily.
After the meeting was finished, I walked home across the park with Katie, as Jenny was inside talking to the tutor still and I felt that walking home with Katie could help increase my chances of friendship with her. We talked about local cafes and restaurants and about our interest in arty, crafty activities. I explained my situation with my lack of friends and how I desperately need someone to do things with, such as go to the pub, spend an hour in the park, go to the cinema, go belly dancing etc. She said she'd be happy to do such things, so we swapped phone numbers and promised to organise some activity some time. I felt wonderful at this! Two friends in two days! I had been considering doing a spell to draw some people towards me, but I don't need to now. I just have to work on keeping these friends, which is somewhat more tricky.
Finally then, today. I went into college and for what must be only the second time since September, with the first being last week, the tutor was only five minutes late. He explained that from now until the end of the term, he and his colleagues are going to be very busy as they have all our coursework and exam work to mark, the same for the second years, and they have exhibitions to prepare, plus a ton of paperwork. Thus there's very little time, if any, left for looking after the first years. So he gave us a brief on still life to look at over the summer and told us to bugger off til September, essentially. Excellent! No more early Tuesday mornings, heh heh. Whilst I was still in college, I tried to get in touch with Admissions, as I still hadn't heard if they'd received my application forms for next year, but no one was in the office. Coincidentally, just as I was clearing out my locker, the woman who works in Student Services found me and said she just had to ask a few questions about my application. She need to know whether I was preferring to do the college diploma or the Media Studies A-level (diploma) and what kind of outside support I was getting. Once that was all done, she said she'd send me a letter confirming the receipt of the forms, and within a month I should drop by again if I hadn't had a letter inviting me for an interview for the diploma. Saves me from having to hassle Admissions about it all!
This evening I tried the meditation exercises we tried last night. My attention was wandering a little more than it was yesterday, though that may be due to my bedroom being in a noisier location than the quiet hall we were in yesterday. Other thoughts also kept wandering in, about interior decoration, of all things. I tried to keep focused though, and when I felt I was losing the battle I ended the exercise. I had been going for ten minutes, and it was advised we spend at least five minutes on it, so for a first attempt I think it was quite successful. Let's see how tomorrow's goes. 19:52
