For breakfast today I have eaten 5 cinnamon and raisin bagels and half a litre of grape and raspberry juice. Last night I ate a whole 145g bag of pistachio nuts as a snack. Something needs to be done about my eating, and it needs to be done quickly. I can't carry on like this.
Being in Belfast has been a mixed bag. Rory and I have argued lots, but then we usually do when we're together for the first time in a while. We forget how to deal with living in such close proximity to another person, I think, and all subtly and consideration goes out the window, especially as these are underused talents when a person lives alone. Right now though, he's at work and I'm sat at his computer listening to the White Stripes and wishing he had some games installed for me to play on. Being without any card games at all to play to fill in a few minutes here and there is a very strange notion for me.
We went round the shops yesterday but I didn't buy anything, except a pair of shoelaces. How exciting! I did find a bag I liked, it may even have enough pockets for me to be happy with, but I didn't want to go ahead and get it when it was £20 and wasn't guaranteed to be what I've been looking for. We haven't got anything planned to do, except watch DVDs and try not to argue. But I guess those are as good plans as any. We went for a walk on Monday, went through Ormeau (?) Park and down by the river, then through town, which was mostly closed, and home again. The park was very lovely, there was many different kinds of trees and plants, the forget-me-nots are out now, and the wild garlic is beginning to sprout. We passed many people walking their dogs though the park was mostly quiet. It was very peaceful.
I'm informed that the sofa delivery went well and to plan, despite one of its feet being lost somewhere along the line. Dad messaged me to say it looks huge in the living room, but that was expected, by me at least. And now I can get rid of those god-awful sofa beds! Yey! All I need now is a suitable computer desk and then I can actually finish unpacking all the living room items.
I don't quite know how to fit this bit in with the rest of the post, but it needs saying, so I guess I'm just gonna have to do the onlineequivalentt of taking a deep breath and going for it. Getting to Belfast wasn't the easiest of things. We had spent most of Sunday sitting around, twiddling our thumbs, waiting until it was time for us all to go to the airport. The flight was at 9pm, we got up at 1pm. The flight was from Liverpool. I'm not good around many things, mostly due to having had bad experiences with them, such as spiders, crowds, Leeds train station, the bus stop at the bottom of the road, and so on. One of these things is Liverpool. The whole of Liverpool. Not that I've ever been there, but someone I was close to once, and who hurt me, lived there. So we were on the plane, getting ready for take off. Flying stresses me as it is, it's a situation I'm not used to, and even worse, I was flying from an airport I'd never been to before with people I didn't know very well. From the aeroplane I could see the surrounding area, I could see the streetlights and the river, and though I was trying to block out the thoughts, I was thinking about how
he knew those streets, had probably walked down them, how he'd lived there, in a city he'd chosen to live in, it was a city which was important to him. And he used to be so important to me too, but he didn't want me, I wasn't good enough, and I pictured him doing the things I knew he did, and doing them in those streets which I was currently so close to, and how it had all ended so horribly, and I was crying and I couldn't stop and I wanted things to be different, I wanted him to want me, wanted these past 3 years to have turned out differently, ended amicably, or for there to have never been anything between us. It took a long time to calm down and stop crying. Looking out of the aeroplane window helped, the sun had just set and the sky was a rainbow of colours. There was heavy cloud cover and from above it looked like a sea of candy floss. I wanted to reach out and touch it, hold it. What do clouds feel like? I imagine them to be like candy floss, but less sticky. Or like bubble bath, where you swipe at a pile of it and take some away in your hand. For it to be soft and gentle and float on your palm.
14:11
