Sunday, January 4
Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up full of energy and didn't want to spend the day sat in front of my computer doing nothing, wasting my time, as I usually do. I went off to get a shower and get dressed and suddenly my energy all disappeared and being at the computer was the only option I had. Then later in the day the computer crashed, the Blue Screen of Death appeared, for the second time in a week I might add, my applications lost all of their information, most of which was irretrievable and in the case of
Soulseek, had taken me around a year of reading magazines and playing with my Amazon recommended list to accumulate. I wasn't a happy bunny. I went off to bed to hide for a while, slept a little, and came back feeling slightly better. A nap usually does dissipate the depression a little. But then over the course of the remainder of the evening I ate around two thirds of a loaf of bread, accompanied by mayonnaise. I was hungry, it was too late to cook something "proper" and the hunger just wouldn't go away. I ended up more depressed than ever, unable to sleep, and feeling exceedingly lonely and unloved. A situation which occurs far too often but I don't have the determination enough to make it go away. I know of ways out of it, but I hate change. No matter how bad the situation is, I know what it's like, and changing to an unknown position will undoubtedly leave me with new challenges to face, so let's just stay here, eh? I hate the reasoning but overcoming it is so demanding, I feel so weak. In the end I'll summon the energy, I know I will, as the other alternative will end up being suicide which I don't want to have to do, it's just how long can my stubbornness to resist change cling on for? I hate myself for it, I'm my own worse enemy.
On a happier note however, there's a
wonderful article in the Observer advocating passion, decisiveness and all those other things I believe in but fail to implement.
"To hell with neutrality, I say. Let's say a fat No to even-handedness and step bravely into this new year with prejudice, passion and a handful of beliefs, no matter how ridiculous, and the strength to stand up for them."
14:48
